Why Am I Afraid to Show You Who I Am?

The following post will be a very long one, I believe most of you will forgo it. It talks about a lot of things I relate to and has a very important meaning for me. But if you appreciate thinking about life, go on and read what I have to say.

"Why am I afraid to show you who I am?" by John Powell.

A two page excerpt from English class:


Someone has aptly distinguished five levels of communication on which persons can relate to one another. Perhaps it will help our understanding of these levels to visualize a person locked inside of a prison. The prisoner in our example is a man, but he represents every human being. He is urged by an inner insistence to go out to others and yet afraid to do so. The five levels of communication, which will be described a little latter, represent five degrees of willingness to go outside of the self, to communicate the self to others.

The main in the prison—and he is everyone—has been there for years, although ironically the grated iron doors are not locked. He can go out of his prison, but in his long detention he has learned to fear the possible dangers that he might encounter. He has come to feel some sort of safety and protection behind the walls of his prison, where he is a voluntary captive. The darkness of his prison shields him from a clear view of himself. He is not sure what he would look like in broad daylight. Above all, he is not sure how the world, which he seems from behind the bars, and the people whom he sees moving about in that world, would receive him. He is fragmented by an almost desperate need for that world and for those people and at the same time, by an almost desperate fear of the risks of rejection he would be taking if he ended his isolation.

This prisoner is reminiscent of what Viktor Frankl writes, in his book Man's Search for Meaning, about his fellow prisoners in the Nazi concentration camp at Dachau. These prisoners yearned desperately for their freedom. Yet some of them had been held captive so long that when they were eventually released, they walked out into the sunlight, blinked nervously, and then silently walked back into the familiar darkness of the prison. They had been accustomed to this darkness for such a long time.

This is visualized, if somewhat dramatic, dilemma that all of us experience at some time in our lives and in the process of becoming persons. Most of us make only a weak response to the invitation of encounter with others and our world because we feel uncomfortable in exposing our nakedness as persons. Some of us are willing only to pretend this exodus, while others somehow find in themselves the courage to go all the way out to freedom....


This is what I have to say:

Alienation is wall building, to protect ourselves from getting hurt. Sometimes this process is invisible to the builder; it disconnects the builder from others, him/herself, and purpose in life. Why do people build walls? They are afraid of what others think. We all want to be loved, as human beings, and being liked is the step down from it. Most of the time we take what others think a bit too much.

We are afraid of rejection, "Oh is that what you think? I don't think I like you." This is why people conform to norms. To deviate from the norm is to stand out as weird, and people have a natural tendency to conform to what others are doing. Who are you really? Is it who you want to be? Or is it who others want you to be?

Why am I afraid to tell you who I really am? I'm afraid to tell you who I really am because if I tell you who I am, you might not like who I am--and that's all I've got. Because really, what else do I have to offer if you don't like me for who I am? It is for this very reason that most people shield themselves against the world, choosing to reveal what part they deem "safe" to show others.

I guess this is why I am such a cynic in general. I once revealed to this person who I really am, the truth, and tore down the walls. "To reveal myself openly and honestly takes the rawest kind of courage," as John Powell would put it. And you know what? When it didn't work out, the feeling of rejection was very overwhelming. After that, I rebuilt my invisible wall once again, feeling unsafe, crawling back into my cave. I'm afraid to open up again, only to get let down. But you know what, if the person doesn't like you for who you are, then it isn't the right person. Relationships have to be mutual, or else it’s a sham.

I ordered the book just now, on Barnes and Noble for $6 (the book costs $2). I hope I'll learn more about myself and if not, at least get some good insights for life. So far it seems like such a fascinating topic...


Blog funny: